


A funny thing happened on the way to Earth

by Drachenkinder



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: iw fix it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-24 15:48:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21340732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drachenkinder/pseuds/Drachenkinder
Summary: Infinity War AU
Comments: 14
Kudos: 28





	A funny thing happened on the way to Earth

Thanos strides through the wreckage of the Statesman watching in approval as his children finished off those few survivors of the initial attack. Their king struggles helplessly in his grasp.

Ebony Maw recites the doctrine welcoming the dead into Thanos’ family. The titan smiles. He can see the traitor lurking by the Black Order. Does he think that Thanos will forgive him? 

His speech is insolently interrupted by the fallen king and he turns to the traitor.

“The Tesseract, or your brother’s head. I assume you have a preference.”  
“Oh, I do.” Loki replies. “Kill away!”

It only takes but a moment before Loki crumples, exactly how Thanos knew he would. It’s a sweet irony that Thor didn’t even know Loki had hidden the Tesseract away. Thor’s disappointment and Loki’s promise make no difference. Neither will survive the next hour. 

True to his nature Loki pulls a bit of misdirection and the earthling’s poor copy of Black Dwarf leaps from cover and charges into battle. Thanos grins as Loki makes a fruitless attempt to protect his brother, tackling him out of the way of the green beast. For all its reputation it only take a few blows to subdue the Hulk. These creatures are no challenge for the master of the power stone.

Thor attempts to go to his friend and is just as quickly defeated by the magic of Ebony maw. 

A sudden gasp, an iridescent glow and the Hulk is gone. Thanos turns, furious and see the remnants of power fading from one of the fallen Asgardians. It is the last mistake the man will make and a quick stab insures he won’t repeat the move. Thor’s futile threat fails to impress Thanos. The ex-king cannot seem to grasp that he has failed. At least he won’t have to listen to him jabber any longer now that he’s been muzzled. It’s Ebony Maw’s doing and now his faithful child brings him the Tesseract, words of praise and adoration flowing from his lips.

Thanos accepts the praise and the Tesseract as his due. It cracks in his grasp and the Space Stone glows in his palm. He secures it in the gauntlet and turns to the Black Order. 

“There are two more Stones on Earth. Find them, my children, and bring them to me on Titan.”

Proxima Midnight answers for them. “Father, we will not fail you.”

Ah, but here comes the traitor, trying for one last trick. “If I might, interject… If you’re going to Earth, you might want a guide. I do have a bit of experience in that arena.” Loki says.

His chatter is amusing as is his childish attempt to fool Thanos. Did Loki truly believe Thanos would believe his transparent attempt at assassination? He takes pleasure in throttling the life out of the pathetic weakling while his brother watches in horror. His last words “You will never be a god,” makes Thanos chuckle and he closes his fist, feeling Loki’s neck bones snap.

“No resurrections this time.” He says letting the body drop to his feet.

He raises his hand to open a portal with the space stone and hears Loki say. “Leaving so soon?”

Thanos glances down and watches in shock as Loki’s body wavers and then the illusion fades. To his horror it is Ebony Maw who lies lifeless at his feet, his slender neck crushed and broken He looks around in confusion as the dead Asgardians, the burned and damages walls all melt away revealing the slightly damaged interior of the Statesman. Slightly damaged for the green beast is slamming the broken body of Cull Obsidian into an ever deepening hollow in the metal deck. The man who he’d stabbed only moments before holds a bloodied sword in his hand and the severed head of Corvus Glaive is gently rolling to a stop. A small woman is standing on the corpse of Proxima Midnight taking a swig out of bottle. Behind them stand a row of assorted armored creatures in a protective line before the people of Asgard. 

“Hey mate.” Says a rocky creature in jovial voice. 

Thanos turns and there behind him stands Loki. “You tricked me!” he roars.

“In my defense,” Loki says with a smirk, “It’s what I do.”

“For the last time die!” Thanos says raising his hand. Nothing happens.

“Looking for this?” Loki asks, holding up the power stone.

“What? How?” Thanos looks at the gauntlet where not a single stone resides. 

“Thor,” Loki says, and passes the power stone to his brother. “Why don’t you show him what a real god can do?”

“With pleasure.” Thor replies and flexes his shoulders. 

Enraged Thanos charges toward the brothers. He needs no infinity stones to destroy Thor. He’ll crush him with his bare hands and then everyone on this ship. Loki’s death will be especially prolonged and torturous. He grins as Loki falls back, showing his cowardice as he preserves his own skin and betrays his brother yet again. 

He draws his fist back to flatten the Asgardian king when blinding light and searing pain slam him across the hold and into the heavy bulkhead. He is almost deafened by the boom of thunder. He staggers to his feet to see Thor striding forward his eye burning white and lightning dripping from him like water. Thanos shakes his head trying to see past the trickery.

“NO!” he shouts “It’s not possible. I won’t fall for your illusions a second time. He cannot call lightning without a storm.”

“That’s a common misconception.” Loki says conversationally as a second earsplitting blast knocks Thanos into the overhead. “But Thor’s not the god of lightning. He’s the god of thunder.” Thanos falls to the deck. He rises again and races toward Thor a third time.

“Perhaps you should take this outside, Thor?” Loki adds, motioning and the cargo door opens.

“Good Idea.” Thor says and another blast sends Thanos tumbling out of the ship. Thor follows in a corona of power, glowing like a star. The Asgardians watch through the force field as Thor sends surge after surge of power into the flailing titan. Even the Hulk leaves off pounding Cull Obsidian’s body into the deck to watch the display of Thor’s power. Gradually Thanos’ struggles stop. Thor however doesn’t until all that is left of the great titan is scattered pieces of charcoal cooling in the vacuum of interstellar space.

Satisfied that his job is done, Thor flies back to the Statesman. Loki opens the force field to allow him through. 

“Enjoy yourself?” Loki asks with a smile.

“I don’t see why you should have all the fun.” Thor replies. He wipes frost from his brow. “It’s damn cold out there.” 

“Now look here,” Korg says. “What’s all that about thunder not lightning?”

“Thor is the god of Thunder.” Heimdall replies. “Thunder is the sound the air makes when superheated and then rapidly cooled. Typically by a bolt of lightning.”

“Also known as plasma.” Loki adds. He waved his hand at the lights that dotted the velvet black of space. “The stuff stars are made of.”

The bodies of the Black Order are quartered, incinerated and the ashes scattered into space. Loki is taking no chances.

Later in Thor's cabin they are enjoying a drink and going over the inventory reports of the contents of Thanos’ ship when Thor says. “I don’t understand why he attacked as he did.” Thor said. “Could he not have simply blasted the ship apart then hunted through the wreckage for the Tesseract? Why bother landing to engage us in hand to hand combat? Did he not realize who he was fighting?”

“For one,” Loki says, “he could not be sure that I had the Tesseract on my person. Which I do not. It’s still safe in its interdimensional pocket. Secondly, he was an overly dramatic obsessive idiot. He wanted to impress upon his children what happens to one who turns on him and carry out his farce of killing half the people on board in order to save the rest. And thirdly he presumed we would be as easy to kill as mortals.”

“But how could he underestimate your abilities so badly?”

“Remember Thor, I was half mad, dying of starvation and thirst and my magic was mostly burned away to keep me alive in the void, when his daughter found me. He had the mind stone and used it to twist my memories and convince me to do his bidding. Ebony Maw assisted him in that and neither bothered to probe beyond the surface. He saw my temporary weakened state and assumed I was of limited power. It wasn’t until I was on Earth that I was able to shake enough of the effects of the mind stone to defeat his game.”

“I think the Avengers would question that it was you who defeated the Chitauri.”

“And who was it that caused the avengers to be created in the first place? Thor I have as much training in strategy as you do. Why would I bring an army through one tiny portal to attack a soft target of no military importance? After alerting the most powerful of Earth’s defenders?”

Loki shakes his head in exasperation. Thor reaches over and ruffles his brother’s hair, much to Loki’s annoyance. 

“I know brother. It becomes obvious once I looked back on your behavior. How did Thanos not see it?”

“Because he was an idiot, convinced of his own brilliance. He surrounded himself with traumatized children he’d plucked from the ruins of their destroyed worlds and brainwashed into believing everything he said. He played upon their greed and fear and guilt and they in turn told him how wonderful he was at every turn. That saccharine speech I put into Ebony Maw’s mouth was what he was used to hearing. He recruited whole armies based on nothing more than lies of his own genius and promises of the wealth from the worlds he plundered. The Chitauri were only the latest of fools to fall for his con.”

Thor takes a drink and leans back in his chair. 

“Why did he want the infinity stones? They are powerful but he must have known that as soon as he started collecting them he was going to attract the attention of every Elder in the universe.”

“As far as I can tell he had the insane idea he was going to save the universe by killing half of all life, so the rest wouldn’t run out of resources.”

“What?” Thor says. “That doesn’t make any sense. If you kill half of all life you’ve killed half of the plants and animals and bacteria and… what did he think resources are? Inorganic material alone?” He waves his hand toward the window “The matter in the universe is mostly gases and minerals. You couldn’t possibly run out.”

“I said he was an idiot.”

“I’m glad we ran into him though. We were getting low on supplies and his ship is well stocked and has more than enough room for everyone onboard. This should cut months off our travel time.”  
Loki nods already thinking of his arrival on Earth.

“By the way.” Thor says. “What are we going to do with the Tesseract and the power stone?”

“Hold onto them for the time being. They may come in handy. One never knows.”

**Author's Note:**

> Basically written because Loki and Thor were turned into paper tigers as were Heimdall, Valkyrie and the Hulk to make Thanos look good.


End file.
